What I ate

What I ate
David Shrigley

On Monday morning I got up at 8am.
For my breakfast I had 500 hard-boiled eggs and a cup of tea.
For lunch I had an old car tyre and a bucket of frogs and a carton of Ribena.For dinner I had a jar of anti-ageing cream and two metres of electric flex.

On Tuesday I got up at 8am.
For my breakfast I had a plastic ruler and next door's dog.
For lunch I had 53 pints of Guinness and then I went home early and went to bed.

On Wednesday I got up at 3pm.
For breakfast I had bacon and eggs, two cups of tea and some holiday brochures.
I didn't have any lunch because it was too late.
For dinner I ate my briefcase and all of my wife's clothing.

On Thursday I got up at 8am.
For breakfast I had a bottle of washing-up liquid and a car stereo.
For lunch I had the plumbing from an en-suite bathroom and two cups of tea.
For dinner I ate some important documents, a ski jacket, a staple gun, a pair of shoes, a packet of biscuits and some ice cream.

On Friday I got up early because I had a doctor's appointment so I didn't have time for breakfast.
For lunch I had a Cornish pasty and a cup of tea.
For dinner I ate all of the plants in our garden and a concrete paving slab.

On Saturday I got up at 8am.
I have to work on Saturdays.
For breakfast I had a bowl of muesli but I boffed it up on my trousers.
For lunch I ate the trousers that I had boffed up on and then I went to the barbers and got shaved bald and I ate all my hair on the way back to the office.
For dinner I ate an electric drill and some coleslaw.

On Sunday I got up at 9am and went to church without having any breakfast.
For lunch I ate a large gravestone and some grass.
In the evening I went out for dinner with my wife and I had scampi and she had lasagne.

Extraído do CD "Late Nighst Tales", do Nouvelle Vague